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Writer's pictureApril Carpenter

When Sadness Threatens To Overwhelm

Have you ever experienced a deep sadness? Something different from Depression. Either you're going through a break-up/divorce, or maybe you lost your job, or you lost a friend, or maybe you just feel a loneliness deep in your bones.


I tell people often that sometimes you just have to sit with the sadness. Being a counselor doesn't exempt us from all the human emotions, unfortunately. Tonight I am sad. I'm going through my own heartache and I wish there was a way to speed up the process. I find myself thinking I should make plans and distract myself from the sadness. But doesn't that become quite the vicious cycle? Constantly making plans in order to forget the pain. How exhausting.


So tonight, I am just sitting with my sadness. My mind is running over memories and times when I felt happy. Isn't that how it works? The happy times end up making you even more sad? Some people would probably say I should distract myself, but I've found that the longer we try to distract ourselves the longer we put off dealing with the pain. I'm sure you have all heard the familiar saying that says the only way past the fire is through it, or something to that effect. I see pain in that same light. I think the only way to deal with pain is to feel it.


I'm sharing this experience with all of you because I want to be transparent and honest. I believe that we are all too often afraid of vulnerability and therefore, we miss deeper connections. We all go through pain. There is no shame in pain. Life is hard and circumstances can be difficult. Why not share these things with people? The truth is, I imagine there are many of you that will read this blog and you'll relate to it on such a deep level. I'm not the only one to feel this kind of sadness. This is the kind of sadness where you feel the emotions in such a rush that you can't even find your tears. It's as though you're empty, but you know that's not true. You know that the pain is right there under the surface and it's an ever-present feeling in your soul. Life goes on around you and you can't fall apart. Either you have a job, clients to help, responsibilities to fulfill, children to take care of, a husband to support, a wife to talk to. Life goes on even when pain and sadness threaten to overwhelm you. I imagine I'm not the only one that has smiled through the pain and put on a face so that people don't know you're hurting. Let's get real, who wants to cry every time they talk to someone? The smile and face is just a form of self-preservation.


But here I am, alone at home, and the sadness is overwhelming. I've done all the things I can think of to just go about my night like I normally would because I know that normalcy is important. And sometimes, our routine is the only thing to get us through the minutes and the hours.


I want to share my thought process as I go through this, however, because I hope it will offer some help to you whenever you are in this dark place. You see, I know I'm going to be okay. I know that my emotions aren't going to kill me, no matter how much they hurt right now. I know that each day will be a little better because each day means I'm just a little further away from the point of pain. It doesn't mean I won't ever feel sad about the situation again. It just means that each day forward is another day forward. Sadness means that I cared about the person. Sadness means I cared about the situation. And I thank God for the ability to care. More often than not, my ability to care has turned out for the best. I have people in my life that I love with everything in me and they mean the world to me. If I didn't have the ability to care, I wouldn't have those people in my life. I just don't believe we can't have happiness without sadness, pain without joy, love without heartbreak. It's the yin and yang of emotions. To wish one thing away means we wish it all away.


So here I sit with this sadness and I keep reminding myself that I am thankful for the ability to care. I am thankful for the passing of time because it does heal. I am thankful for the lessons I've had to learn through this painful time. My pain helps me to relate to other people's pain, and as a counselor, I am so very thankful for that. I tell my clients that it's imperative we find purpose in our pain. There's a lesson in everything we go through and if we can't change our mindset, then our pain will run our lives. The question isn't "why me?" The question is "why not me?" Nothing makes me any more special than you. We all will go through pain at some point, and right now, it's my turn. And because it's my turn, I WILL learn something from this and then I will pass that knowledge on to the next person who is going through their own pain.


Do all these thoughts cause my pain to subside immediately? No. I will probably go to bed tonight feeling defeated, feeling sad and alone. I might wake up tomorrow feeling the exact same, but I trust in the process and I believe in our brain's ability to heal. I have no plans to cover my pain with alcohol, drugs, sex, another relationship, isolation, food, insert whatever you want. My plan is to hurt until my mind and my heart decide to hurt no more. I won't wallow in this and I won't get caught up in the "why me" question, because that will keep me stuck. I will keep going forward, I will allow my friends to love me, I will snuggle with my dog, I'll steer away from love stories for a while and then I will rise up and move on.


I have always loved the idea of the mythical Phoenix. A Phoenix is a bird that is born of it's OWN ashes. It grows to full growth and when it is time for the Phoenix to die, it bursts into flames and then rises back to life from it's own ashes. There are parts of me that are burning off. There are dreams of mine that are having to burn away. There are future plans that must go up in flames. And when all this burning is done, I will still be me, but I will be a better version of me because I refuse to allow this pain to define who I am. I hope you will all be Phoenixes when you are going through hard times. I pray you find hope in my words tonight. Most of all, I hope you realize what an amazing, beautiful, strong human being you are and you never allow your pain to convince you otherwise! Be well, my friends!



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