This has been a topic on my heart for quite awhile and I think it's an important one to talk about, although it may not be a popular one.
So often, I hear people say that they struggle to make friends, they don't feel like they're able to have close friends. My next question after hearing this is "what are you doing to make friends?" The truth of the matter is that many people are waiting for the friends to come to them. They're waiting for someone else to make the effort. They're waiting for someone else to invest in THEM before they decide to invest.
I think we live in a world of self-protection and self-isolation. We've been rejected before so now we tell ourselves that no one wants us. We've been hurt before so now we tell ourselves that people are unsafe. We experience a negative event and then a belief system begins that ends up making us self-protect and self-isolate. But what good does that really do us? In the long run it protects us from getting hurt by others, right? WRONG. While you're staying in your comfortable cocoon, isolated from the world, think about the messages you're telling yourself. "People don't like me." "People are unsafe and will hurt me." "I'm not worth loving." Read those messages again and tell me those messages don't hurt. So you see, the truth is that you think you're protecting yourself, but in reality, you're isolating yourself from any real possibility of experiencing a connection that could prove all those negative messages in your head wrong. So without the opportunity to challenge the negative messages, you'll go through your "protected" life never knowing what it feels like to be accepted, liked and loved by people who CHOOSE to love you.
My next thought is the one that is by far the most unpopular one to talk about because it stings. It hurts to think about because it's the truth and we've ALL been like this at one point or another (including this counselor typing these words). When it comes to making connections, we have an attitude of entitlement. (Ouch-I thought only millennials had that!) Nope. We have all had this attitude before. We go into a new place and we don't know anyone so we are waiting for someone to notice we are new and come up to us and talk to us. We wait for our friends to text us or make plans with us instead of us initiating the contact. We feel unimportant because we are having a terrible week and no one has checked on us, nevermind the fact your friends can't know you're having a bad week since you never text them to let them know what's going on in your life. This, my sweet friends, is entitlement. Expecting something without doing the work. If you want to make connections, you've got to BE the connection. Who cares if you're initiating contact more than once in a row. Do it anyways. Eventually, if that person is interested in a deeper connection with you, they will return the favor.
You make an investment into a person, and if the investment is good and worth it, then you will get a return on your investment. We have all made some poor investments in this lifetime. Unfortunately, that means we have experienced hurt, rejection and disappointment. That doesn't mean, however, that we should quit investing. We were made to be relational. We crave companionship, friendship and connection. If you're living a self-protected, self-isolated life, I would venture to guess that you're struggling with depression of some kind. Oftentimes, we think we are unable to make friends or connections BECAUSE we are depressed, but truthfully, it is our lack of connection in this world that causes the depression. (This does not include the chemically imbalanced depression) We are not natural hermits. We can become hermits due to the painful experiences life hands us, but we were not made to be hermits. I've had many people tell me that they're "introverted" and that's why they don't do anything or have any friends. And that, my loyal readers, is nothing but an excuse. I know what it is to be an introvert and we definitely need more alone time in order to recharge, but too much alone time is not good, even for the most introverted of people. And if this is you, reading my blog right now, then I challenge you to look inside yourself and ask yourself if you wish you had a friend to call when you're hurting, a friend to call when you want to see a movie, a friend to call when you're hungry and want to go out to eat. If, as you read those words, you felt a longing in your heart for such a friend, then it means you are in need of connection.
We can convince ourselves that we don't need connections, but in our heart of hearts, our deepest, secret longings, we crave connection. It's time to step out of the self-protected bubble and start making connections.
-Send The Text
-Make The Call
-Write The Letter
-Invite Someone Over
-Make The Coffee Date
-Get Involved In The Group
-Go To The Event
It takes vulnerability to say "I want to see a movie, but have no one to go with. Would you want to go with me?" But that vulnerability is an INVESTMENT and one day, you will see your return on that investment.
Be Brave. Be Courageous. You're Worth It.
Until Next Time!
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