I was talking with a Graduate student the other day and the topic of client resistance came up. They asked me a question that I felt was very profound and told me more about them than they probably realized at the time. (I have permission to discuss this conversation)
Their questions was, “how do you not get frustrated when a client is Resistant in therapy? Especially when THEY sought YOU out?”
I took a minute to think about that, but inside I found myself feeling so thankful for all the work I’ve done on myself as a therapist. You see, our emotions tell us quite a lot about ourselves. I come from the belief that all emotions stem from a thought(s). So when someone tells me an emotion, my response is to wonder about the thought behind it. So this student expressed an emotion, which led me to explore their thoughts. (They didn’t know they were going to get free therapy during this interview, ha ha) I answered their question with a question: “why do you think I should feel frustrated when a client is resistant?”
Thankfully, this student is open and honest and eager to learn so they Jumped right into this discussion. They said that they have experienced a lot of frustration in practicum with clients who are resistant because it doesn’t make sense for them to seek therapy if they’re not ready. This is such a common misconception among people and therapists alike. The belief that resistance equals not being ready. Here’s my belief about it. How can someone really be ready for something they’ve never experienced? How do you mentally and emotionally prepare for the pain that therapy can dredge Up? Resistance isn’t about not being ready. Resistance is about protection. When I have a resistant client, I immediately know that something has happened to trigger the person’s defenses. And the beautiful thing about that is now we have a direction in which to go. Let’s talk about triggers. Let’s talk about the defenses you’ve put in place to protect you over the years And how they’ve worked or not worked. We are all so very creative in how we protect ourselves and that is something to be praised, not judged.
Now back to my student. Another question I asked was this: “why do YOU feel frustrated when a client resists?” Their answer was that they felt like they were getting nowhere in therapy and that it was a waste of time.
My friends, I want to give you some insight on many counselors out there. One of the easiest ways to trigger a therapist is to make them feel incapable, incompetent or unhelpful. Those emotions go against the very purpose us counselors have in life. We get into this field to HELP, to HEAL, to CARE. When we feel like we are failing at all of these things, it can create quite the strong reaction.
I explored this with the student and they came to the conclusion that their frustration was not with the client, but instead, it was a more comfortable mask to cover up the more vulnerable emotions of incapable, incompetent, and unhelpful. Their thoughts in their head was, “I’m not going to be a good counselor” and “I’m failing at this.” Those thoughts got triggered by the situation of a client resisting, which led to the emotions listed above, which then led to the student trying to protect themselves under a veil of frustration and deflecting the responsibility onto the client. In other words, it’s the clients resistance that’s the problem, not my vulnerable emotions that I don’t want to acknowledge.
Vulnerability is the key to healing. However, fear of vulnerability is the foundation of Resistance. It is a scary thing to open yourself up to someone. You risk judgment, you risk having to be transparent, you risk showing your “weakness”. This is why I say my clients are some of the bravest people I know. The courage it takes to be vulnerable is indescribable. There’s no way for me not to have a crazy amount of respect for the people who sit on my couch and eventually show me their pain, their fear, their hearts.
I write all of this because resistance isn’t only met in the therapy room. You all may be thinking of someone right now who is resisting your help, your friendship, etc. I write this to encourage all of you to take a step back and recognize that a person‘s resistance isn’t about you, but about them. It’s a big sign that they’re feeling the need to protect themselves. Try to approach them in another way, another strategy. And always remember that whenever a situation makes you FEEL something, be sure to back it up a step and figure out what you’re THINKING. Your thoughts will lead you to a great many revelations about yourself.
Until Next Time!
Be Happy!
Be Healthy!
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