Have you ever said "I'm a people pleaser" before? Is it usually when you're describing the discomfort of doing something you didn't really want to do? Or maybe you've said it when discussing why you do all the things you do. People pleasing has often been looked upon in a favorable way. If someone is a people pleaser we tend to think they are kind and caring and giving. I'm not saying they aren't those things. However, people pleasing is less about the other person and much more about the one doing the pleasing.
I don't write this blog as an attack on people pleasers. I myself am a recovering people pleaser. I say "recovering" because it's a regular battle of mine to not fall into the people pleasing mindset. I write this blog FOR the people pleasers. I write this blog for those who love a people pleaser. We have to start recognizing when we are in the presence of someone who can't say "no", not because they are incapable of saying the word but because they believe the consequences of that word will be more detrimental than the consequences of sacrificing their needs and wants.
It is oh so common for people pleasers to believe that they are most valued when they have something to offer. This can be financially, emotionally, sexually, service-related, or any other number of things. Somewhere along the lifetime, a people pleaser was taught or began to inaccurately believe that their worth is directly dependent upon what they can DO for someone else. Often times, trauma teaches this lesson in the harshest of ways. However, it isn't always trauma that is the root of people pleasing. Sometimes, we simply begin to perceive that we are most loved and/or liked when we do something for others or we are agreeable to anything. Whatever the root of your people pleasing is, the reality is that this behavior is poor boundaries in action.
Setting boundaries is such a difficult thing to do. Number 1: we often are never taught how to actually do this. Number 2: we have no idea how to communicate or execute boundaries. Number 3: we regularly think boundaries are "mean". Number 4: we don't know how to handle when a boundary is violated which leads to inconsistency. Number 5: the word "boundaries" is sometimes used as a reason why someone is actually being mean.
The opposite behavior of people pleasing is usually boundary setting. So imagine how difficult it is for someone who is a people pleaser, who has issues believing they're worthy or valuable, who was mistreated or taught they're only as important as they are useful, and then tell them they need to speak up for themselves, set boundaries with people they actually care about, and to not worry about being abandoned once they do so. What a nightmare for a people pleaser.
Let's talk about the consequences of people pleasing. Many people pleasers think that because they're pleasing others there can't possibly be anything negative that comes from this. After all, they're trying to bring happiness and help to those around them. Here's the issue. When we say "yes" to things we want to say "no" to, a small sliver of resentment begins to take hold. It might be the smallest sliver in the beginning, not even perceptible. However, every people pleasing "yes" from this point on will only contribute to making the sliver bigger. Until one day, the people pleaser looks around and feels resentment towards the very people they've been caring about this whole time. When we give away our "yes's" we have a hard time not feeling taken advantage of, used or uncared for.
"I always do these things for them, but they rarely do these things for me."
"I never complain about where they want to go, but they sure are quick to give their opinion on where I want to go."
"I say yes to anything they need me to do and they can't be inconvenienced for me."
Sound familiar? Does it FEEL familiar? As you read these statements, do you notice the resentment within you? The simmering anger towards people who don't seem to appreciate all that you do for them while also not doing as much for you? This is the poison of people pleasing. It poisons you slowly, from the inside out, until eventually it poisons your relationships with the people you have been so worried about disappointing or making angry.
The truth is that people pleasing really isn't fair to those around us. How are they supposed to know that we are saying "yes" when we really don't want to? Unless we tell them, of course. But most people pleasers would find this to be counterintuitive. The whole point of saying "yes" when we don't want to is so that the person doesn't think we don't want to help them or do something with them. So on and on it goes. People around us believe we are so giving, so helpful, so caring, so easy-going. Yet inside, we know that many times our giving, our helpfulness, our caring and easy-going ways are really rooted in fear. We aren't always doing these things from a genuine desire to do so, but a fear that if we don't we will suffer some type of consequences. Even the smallest of consequences, such as someone feeling slightly let down by us saying "no".
So what do we do about this people pleasing behavior? My first suggestion: seek a counselor if you don't have one. Counselors can be a great asset while you're trying to begin this process. A lot of anxiety will likely crop up as you start saying "no" to people who are only used to you saying "yes." My second suggestion: give yourself a limited number of "yes's" to use throughout the week. I recommend below 5. That way you are forced to really think about the best "yes's" and only give out your best ones. My third suggestion: look into resources on boundaries. There are many good books out there about boundaries. If the oppositive behavior of people pleasing is setting boundaries, then you will need to know what boundaries look like, how to formulate boundaries, how to communicate boundaries, how to enforce boundaries, how to be consistent in boundaries, how to recognize a breech of your boundaries, and how to address this breech.
From one recovering people pleaser to another, I hope you know that you can do this. I hope you will begin working on this because the end result is worth it. You will be happier and healthier. Your relationships will be more satisfying and fulfilling. Most of all, you will feel good about your "yes's" and confident enough about your "no's."
Best of luck in your journey to the best "yes!"
Until Next Time!
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