It is fairly well known that Denial is the first step in the grief cycle. Most people are aware of the grief cycle and the stages that are involved. However, I don't think we take the time to really acknowledge that grief happens over so many things in our lives, not just death. We grieve the loss of a dream, we grieve the loss of a relationship, we grieve the reality that we are plagued with mental illness. And it is this last one that I want to focus on.
All too often I see clients who are struggling to acknowledge and accept that they suffer from a mental illness that requires them to live their lives a little differently than what they planned on. It's so difficult to compare the picture in our heads of what we hoped our life would be to the picture of reality. It is likely that anyone reading this has had to grieve the loss of their dream while grieving the reality that IS their lives right now. I say on a regular basis that I have such a high amount of respect for people who are living with mental illness. You can't physically see mental illness. Many times what you see is a smile on someone's face while they feel like they're dying on the inside. Those who suffer from mental illness are what I call the "walking wounded". They seem fine on the outside, but are so very wounded on the inside.
I remember when I went through a very dark time in my life. I was in graduate school, trying to become a counselor all while suffering inwardly. I remember days where I would go to school, have conversations with people, take exams and then come home and sit on my couch, staring at the wall with an emptiness that never seemed to go away. No one knew I was suffering. Shame had set in. I was telling myself that my life wasn't bad, that I had loving friends and family, that I was about to be a counselor. I had decided that I had no reason to be depressed. I had no RIGHT to be depressed. So talking about it with anyone was out of the question. And this, my friends, is the price of denial. We deny our journey, we deny our feelings, we deny our suffering, we deny our struggle, and therefore, we ultimately deny ourselves the help we deserve and need. Because of my shame and my denial, I suffered in silence. And because I suffered in silence, I eventually found myself staring down at a handful of sleeping pills and void filled with despair. There are moments in our lives where we are faced with the decision to deny our suffering and remain in the shadows or we must accept that we are on a painful journey and we cannot do it alone.
Clearly I did not end my life on that Wednesday night in October of 2010 and I'm so very glad I didn't. In my darkest moments I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't believe I would ever feel happiness or peace again. It hurts my heart to remember the despair and desperation I felt during those days. I thought that if I faced the reality of my pain, I wouldn't survive it. But in all actuality, it was my denial of my pain that almost ended my life. I wanted to deny that this was my reality. I wanted to push back against the journey of suffering I was on and convince myself that I wasn't depressed. On the outside I wanted to make it known that I was okay, that I was strong, that I had it all together. But on the inside, I felt like my heart was barely beating, I felt like there was a black hole inside of me that had sucked all the joy and happiness from my life. Everything was difficult. Smiling was difficult. Doing laundry and dishes was difficult. Making my bed was difficult. Sleeping was difficult. Getting out of bed was difficult. BREATHING was difficult. In my pain-filled fog, I believed that death would be easier than living because living was just so HARD. But you want to know why it was so hard? It was hard because I was doing it alone. I had decided that it would somehow be better for me if I did it alone, if I kept my suffering a secret. The price of denial is high, so very high.
So now the real question becomes; how do you not stay in denial? I believe the first step is to share your pain with someone. Step out on a limb and open up to someone you trust, whether it be a best friend, a close friend, a spouse, a family member or a counselor. The first step to acknowledging any problem you are having is to talk about it. Denial can certainly serve a purpose for a time. When we lose someone to death, oftentimes denial will help us to keep out heads straight while we work through the arrangements. However, once all that is done, denial becomes a roadblock to healing.
The topic of denial has been heavy on my mind because I have had several experiences lately with people who are trying so hard to put on a brave face and act as if they're okay, even though they're not. It's hard to watch someone try and fool themselves and others of a false reality. Mainly, it's hard for me to watch because I know where that false reality will eventually lead them.
I urge any of you who read this to really consider talking to someone about what's going on in your life. Find the support you need and lean on that support. Sometimes we have to rely on someone else's strength, someone else's faith, someone else's wisdom until we eventually find our footing on solid ground. Their strength, their faith, their wisdom is not meant to sustain you long-term, but it can certainly hold you up until you are once again feeling confident in your abilities.
Be Happy! Be Healthy!
Until Next Time!
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