Holidays are hard sometimes aren’t they? Almost always we can reminisce about a previous holiday where things were better, things were easier, someone was there that is no longer here. After these past two years, more and more struggles have plagued this world and the people in it. And while every day during these struggles or after the loss is hard, holidays just seem to magnify how hard it is. Maybe it’s because we think of holidays as a time to be happy, a time to feel excited and joyous. Unfortunately, sometimes life circumstances don’t allow for happy and joyous holidays.
So what do you do? How do you get through the holidays without completely bypassing them altogether. I’ve talked to many people who celebrate by going through the motions. I’ve also talked to people who quit celebrating completely. The truth is that I can’t talk about this topic without talking about grief. Grief plays such a huge role in why holidays are some of the hardest times after experiencing something difficult or experiencing some kind of loss.
Grief is defined as a deep sadness caused especially by someone’s death. However, it is also defined simply as a cause of deep sadness. So with that definition, I think it’s fair to say that we can experience grief over a multitude of things, not just a death of someone we care about. We can grieve the loss of a job, the loss of a dream, the loss of a relationship, the loss of our health, the feeling of negative change plaguing our life, etc. It’s so easy to miss the presence of grief when a death isn’t involved. We quickly jump to the cause of sadness being depression. While this is sometimes the case, I think we do ourselves a disservice when we don’t accurately identify the presence of grief in our lives. If we always jump to the cause of deep emotions being a mental illness, wouldn’t it be safe to then assume that this could lead to us associating emotions with mental illness? I know this is delving into a deep conversation that can be difficult to have over a blog, but I think it’s worth writing about in the hopes that it causes us to gain awareness into ourselves.
Emotions are part of being human. Emotions are not exclusively linked only to mental illness. If every time we go through an experience that causes deep emotions we then quickly label ourselves as mentally ill (i.e. depressed, bipolar, etc) then we take away our ability to experience emotions without shame. One of the underlying commonalities in people who have or are experiencing mental illness is shame. This can be due to our own biases around mental illness such as believing we are weak or crazy, or it can be due to the stigma that still surrounds those who are suffering from mental illness.
We know that there is no true timeline on how long we grieve, however, we do know that it can take up to 6 months or a little past that for the brain to adjust to stressors in our lives. So if we are grieving, it makes sense that we don’t jump to a quick diagnosis of any kind. We acknowledge and normalize the immense and deep emotions being experienced due to what’s happened in our lives. Emotional pain is something we all would avoid if we could. Our emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones, cause the brain to look for escape. Everything about us recoils from pain. If you put your hand on a hot stove, the immediate reaction is to quickly remove your hand from the stove. If you cut yourself on something sharp, you typically will pull away from the thing that is sharp. Well, the brain does the same thing. When it feels pain, it tries to get away from that pain. I can see why people sometimes feel relief at the thought of getting a diagnosis so that they can get on medications. The hope is that the medications will numb the emotional pain, and in some cases, this is exactly what happens. But my challenge to this way of thinking is that no amount of numbing takes away the thing that the brain is grieving. The reality of our situation will still be there. The only difference is that we’ve now added a medication on top of the grief. And by doing this, we run the risk of never dealing with our grief. We also run the risk that from now on every time we experience deep and disturbing emotions, we will turn to medication as a form of coping.
Now please hear me when I say this. I don’t believe medications are bad. I believe they can truly save lives. However, I’m not an advocate for turning to medications as a first resort. As difficult as our emotions can be, I know that if we spend a consistent amount of time and work on addressing these emotions, we can often experience an alleviation of those emotions. And each time we are able to do this under our own strength, without the aid of medications, we build up our confidence in our ability to handle hard things.
(It’s important to note that I am not addressing those that have been diagnosed with a mental illness that requires medications or is at a level where you could be a danger to yourself or others. I am strictly speaking to the issue of emotions during a time period where grief is the appropriate label.)
So how does this relate to holidays? Well, over the past two years, I believe I have been seeing a lot of people who are in the grieving process. And as the holidays approach, I know that everyone who is grieving will experience an increase in those grief symptoms. Holidays put a huge spotlight on the thing or person that is missing in your life. My encouragement to all of you is to have compassion for yourselves. To adequately identify what you’re going through. To see it for what it is. To discuss it with those who are close to you and can sympathize. And most importantly, remind yourself that grief is a process. It is not linear. It has ups and it has downs. It has good days and it has bad days. And the holidays might be some of those bad days in the early stages of the grief. The small glimmer of hope that I can give you is that grief IS part of the healing process, and the more you allow yourself to feel, the more you allow yourself to heal.
Be kind to yourself. And to those around you.
Until Next Time!
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