September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month for those who weren’t aware. I always find these awareness months to be conflicting in my mind. On the one hand I think it’s a positive thing to bring awareness to certain issues, but on the other hand, I want every month to contain awareness of the issues. I’ve read about a young teen taking their own life this month. I’ve read about a pastor taking his own life this month. I’m reminded of Robin Williams and his suicide. A young mom. An elderly war vet. A successful doctor. A homeless woman. A father. Suicide does not discriminate. It could be you. It could be me. It WAS me.
Suicide is one of those topics that many people stay away from. Even as I type this, I feel somewhat sick inside because I have my own past struggle with suicidal thoughts and one dreaded night where I almost carried out my plan to the end. I remember the layout of my bedroom, the comforter on my bed, the cup on my nightstand, the pill bottle in my hand. I remember the tears streaming down my face, the heavy rise and fall of my chest, the pounding of my heart. But more importantly, I remember the darkness of my mind, the hopelessness in the pit of my stomach, the despair and void I foresaw in my future. No one talks about these things. I predict the reason for this is shame, embarrassment and fear. Fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of minimization, fear of loss.
As I put these words on this blog, I fear all of those things. I’m a counselor. Who wants to see a counselor that at one point in her life considered ending it all? That doesn’t make people feel confident in me and my abilities or my mental state, for that matter. I could even go as far as to say people may fear that I’m not fully healed. I could spend a whole hour talking about my fears and why I stayed silent for many years and why I believe many others stay silent. But I won’t. Instead I choose to focus on the possible purpose for why this pain in my life happened. How many people get to sit down with their therapist and hear that their therapist has been there too? Not only do I have education and book knowledge on what it looks like to be suicidal, I have experience on what it FEELS like. Maybe the purpose for my pain was to help understand and ease the pain of those who are going through a similar walk. But you know what? Even if that wasn’t the purpose of it, I have decided to MAKE it the purpose. Because I have that power. I have full power over what purpose I assign to the pain and suffering I have experienced in my life. And with that power I choose to help. I choose to speak out. I choose to be a voice among many. Fear tells me to hide my pain and hoard it away in shame. Fear tells me I will be judged and rejected. Fear tells me I will be misunderstood. Well, you know what? Fear can go straight back to Hell where it came from because I refuse to let fear dictate my life (and excuse my "French"). I refuse to be silent as so many people suffer from suicidal thinking and helplessness. I am a survivor and I will live like one.
So now I speak to all of you who may read this and not understand what it’s like. I praise God that you don’t. I am thankful that you haven’t had to walk this journey. But your journey is hard also. Your journey consists of educating yourselves, learning how to listen, and always being willing to lend a helping hand (Even if it’s simply giving out the suicide hotline). Don’t let your fear of screwing things up, saying the wrong thing, or feeling helpless keep you from listening. Those who are suicidal WANT to be heard...they WANT to be seen. Start by listening and then finish by being willing to walk beside that person as they take steps towards getting better. You are not responsible for saving them. Let go of that pressure and heavy, heavy load! They will save themselves on their own as you support and encourage them.
For all of you who may be suffering from suicidal thoughts or plans right now, I encourage you to seek help. Call the hotlines below. You are not alone. You can emerge from the pit of despair and sadness. I won’t lie and say it won’t be hard, but it can be done. YOU are the hero/heroine of your own life. Never forget what a powerful story you have. Never lose sight of the fact that pain can be temporary, especially if you’re able to find purpose for it. And if you’re struggling to find purpose, then you just MAKE it up. Give purpose to your pain and grab hold of the power within you! And once you’re on your feet again, reach a hand down to the next person and remind them they aren’t alone.
And lastly, for all the loved ones of those individuals who were not able to overcome the battle in their minds: I am so very sorry. My heart grieves as I think of the pain you must have felt or are feeling. My soul cries as I imagine all the questions, the misplaced guilt, the helplessness, the what-ifs you are juggling within you. There are no words of comfort that will bring your loved one back or erase the pain you feel. To love deeply means to grieve deeply. The only words I can say are these: you honor your loved one with your grief because it means you loved them deeply. Although your loved one can no longer be a voice for this immensely painful subject, YOU can. Your story of love and loss contains a power that is greater than any other. I hope and pray that you are leaning on those around you and you are receiving the support you so desperately need and deserve.
I write this blog in honor and memory of all the lives we have lost to suicide. One of my greatest hopes and assurances is that one day we will live in a place where this type of pain is not known.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741
If you are looking for counseling in your area, please feel free to call me and I can help make referrals or point you in the right direction. You are not alone.
Until Next Time!
Be Happy!
Be Healthy!
Comments