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Struggling To Find The Right Therapist

Writer's picture: April CarpenterApril Carpenter



I've had something on my mind lately all because of TikTok. There are therapists on TikTok who create videos in order to normalize therapy, educate on mental health, and offer tips and tricks for living a healthier life. However, one of my fatal flaws is that I can't help but read comments on videos. If you have a TikTok, I honestly recommend just not reading the comments. If you do, it will enlighten you on how mean and cruel people in this world can be. But that's not what this blog is about. What I want to write about are the comments I read on some of these therapist's videos. Comments like this:


"How are people able to spill their guts to a complete stranger?"

"I've been to therapy and it didn't work."

"Therapy is a waste of time."

"Talking about my problems isn't going to fix my problems."

"How can I talk about my past if I don't remember my past?"

"I went to a therapist and I didn't like her."

"I refuse to cry in front of someone."

"My old therapist never listened to me."

"Pretty sure therapy is a racket."

"I'm not paying someone to be my friend."


As I read through these comments all I could think was "wow". As a therapist, my heart broke for the people who had a horrible experience in therapy. And as a therapist, my hackles got a little bent out of shape at some of the less than kind comments. I mean, I'm human just like every one else and it's hard to be lumped into a general group based on someone's bad experience with one or two of us. However, I recognize that for what it is. It's a cognitive distortion called "overgeneralization". Overgeneralization is where we take one experience and decide that that experience will continue to happen always and forever. For example, men hurt me in my past, therefore, all men will hurt me in my future. It is also where we have an opinion of this one person (usually due to an experience with them), who is in a certain group, and decide that that opinion is accurate for anyone in that group. For example, a person who is in a certain job/career field, or a person who is in a certain gender category, or a person who is in a certain ethnic group.


We are all guilty of overgeneralization most likely. And I know how prevalent cognitive distortions are, so I'm not holding a grudge against these unknown commenters who have negative things to say about therapists. The truth is, there are some bad eggs in the therapy world, as there are in all career fields. The good news is that we aren't all like that. The bad news is that sometimes, you have to look for a while before you find the right one for you.


Here's the point I want to make in this blog, though. If we hold onto cognitive distortions as though they are fact, then we will live our lives in a distorted way. We will view the world and people around us through a distorted filter. And in the end, we are the ones who suffer the most from that. Going through life believing that all therapists will be like the one you had a bad experience with will only keep you from being able to reach a place of healing. It won't be that therapist who suffers due to your belief, it will be you. I have had many people sit on my couch and say they didn't have a good experience in therapy before they came to see me. Not necessarily because the therapist before me was a bad therapist, but because the therapist and my client weren't the right fit. Just as I'm aware some people have come to me and decided I'm not the right fit for them. Therapists have their own personalities and communication styles and there will be times where the personality and communication style of the client clashes with that of the therapist. I do think that good therapists strive to meet their clients where they are and they strive to adjust themselves so that it suits the needs of the client, but there are times where this just won't work.


I say all of this because I want to encourage you to keep looking. Keep making appointments and searching for the right fit for you. YOU deserve to heal, you deserve to find support and validation. I also encourage you to go into the therapy room with curiosity instead of defensiveness. Be curious about the process, ask questions, explore past experiences with other therapists or past beliefs about therapy in general.


I do want to address the first comment I quoted earlier: "How are people able to spill their guts to a complete stranger?" This is often a misperception of therapy. That the therapist is a stranger. The truth is, if it's a right fit, then the therapist will not remain a stranger for long. You will go through a few sessions and you will feel a connection with that therapist. Hopefully, you will feel the genuine desire of the therapist to know you and to help you. I personally make time in sessions to ask not just about the struggles, but also the mundane. "How's your dog doing after their surgery? How was that restaurant you and your husband were planning to try? How are things going with your coworkers?" Yes, the goal is to focus mainly on the struggles that have brought you to therapy, but I have found that if there isn't a solid relationship between me and my client, then the safety in working through those struggles is shaky or nonexistent. So yes, we start out as strangers, but the goal is not to STAY strangers.


I wish I could be the right fit for every single person who comes into my office. I wish every therapist could be that for their clients, but I know that's not realistic. I wish every single person who ever goes to therapy would get their needs met and their hearts healed, but I know that's not realistic. So all I can say is that I hope all you who read this will consider not giving up. I hope all of you who struggle, just as the commenters above do, will find that courage that I know is inside of you, and take the leap once more, or for the first time.


I hope and pray the right fit for you is just around the corner. Make the call. Send the email. Make the appointment.


Until Next Time!





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