"The Five Love Languages" is a pretty well known book written by Gary Chapman. In this book he discusses 5 love languages in which we receive love. These languages are: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts. He offers a quiz at the end of his book or on his website: www.5lovelanguages.com. This is where you can find out what your primary love language is. This is the language in which you feel most loved. For example: my love language is Words of Affirmation followed closely with Quality Time. This means that when someone tells me how they feel about me, how they care about me, compliment me, build me up, then I will receive that and feel loved by that person. I also feel loved when someone goes out of their way to spend one-on-one quality time with me. It's pretty common to have two love languages that are close together, or even tied.
The purpose of this blog is to address an issue I come across in working with people in regards to their love language. I highly recommend that everyone, whether you're married or single, read "The Five Love Languages". (They even have a version for parents of children/teenagers.) This book is a wonderful foundation for loving people in the right language and being loved in return in the right language.
So back to the issue at hand. Once you take the quiz and learn your love language, it's pretty simple. You can begin seeing how much more loved you feel when someone speaks your love language. However, the problem is that we tend to speak OUR love language to other people because it comes most natural to us. For example, words of affirmation come very easily to me, but if I'm in a relationship with someone whose love language is physical touch (my lowest score on the quiz), then me speaking love through words of affirmation all of the time will leave my partner feeling less loved. The goal is to not only know our love language, but also to ascertain what our partner's love language is, what our child's love language is, what our friend's love language is, etc. Sometimes you can just come right out and ask them since many people have taken this quiz. Other times, you may need to have them take the quiz. On other occasions, you might have to learn through trial and error. Like in the case of children, we have to watch and learn how our children respond to the different love languages and make an educated guess at which one they respond to most.
Another thing to remember is that ALL the love languages should be used. Just because someone's love language is Words of Affirmation doesn't mean you give up on showing physical affection to them. It just means that you need to be more intentional in showing love in their primary language and then backing all of that up with the secondary languages.
All too often I see people who are in relationships where they feel unimportant, unloved, unappreciated. They become bitter towards their partner, they become angry and resentful. The truth is, I think the solution is more simple than we want to make it. I think when we begin speaking that person's love language, it can turn a relationship around completely. I don't mean you won't have conflicts. Your relationship won't all of a sudden become perfect. However, when both people feel loved and appreciated in the relationship, it's amazing how communication changes, how intimacy changes, how connectedness changes, and even how your fights will change. I certainly don't mean to simplify or minimize major marital/relational problems, but I do mean to give direction on where to go when it seems like there's no end in sight.
Maybe you don't know the right words to say to fix all the past issues. Maybe you don't know how to forgive yet. Maybe you don't know how to feel connected to your partner again, attracted to your partner again, interested in your partner again. My challenge to you is to make your partner your project. Study them. Observe them. Love them in THEIR language and watch what happens. Be intentional in your approach. Make it a daily goal to love them in the way they feel most loved. Don't condition your love for them on how well they love you. It is imperative that you not get disheartened or discouraged by how much effort you're making to love them in their language while it seems they're making very little effort. Start with your part. Encourage your partner to read the book with you, encourage your partner to take the quiz, encourage your partner to go to counseling with you. Ultimately, though, the responsibility for how well you love someone is on your shoulders. Maybe I'm an eternal optimist, but I believe that when two people truly care about the relationship, even the smallest of efforts can create a ripple effect like you wouldn't believe. And it starts with you.
I hope if any of you have questions or would like to begin this journey that you will reach out to me. It is my greatest honor to walk alongside those who are determined to love better and to love well.
Until Next Time!
Be happy! Be healthy!
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