Communication is a pretty common therapy topic, yes? When you think about going to therapy I'm sure you have a small inkling that communication is going to be one of the things your therapist touches on. Effective communication is a skill to be learned. Obviously we can all communicate in whatever way we want, but if you want results, there are certain things to do and certain things NOT to do. I can't do a full therapy session through this blog, so I'm not able to touch on everything that goes into effective communication, but I do want you all to have some good information to take with you.
Effective communication is when two people discuss something (an issue, their feelings, an event, etc) and at the end of the discussion both people have been heard and there is some understanding of where the other person is coming from. Notice that I didn't say effective communication is where one person convinces the other person to see things their way and change their minds. Communication isn't synonymous with debating. These two things are all together different. Effective communication is the pathway between you and another person, with the goal of reaching an understanding. Reaching an understanding doesn't always mean reaching an agreement. Sometimes, in certain situations, we have to agree to disagree. However, when both people feel like they've been heard and they were able to voice their side, their thoughts, their emotions, moving past the issue becomes a lot easier. You see, I believe that in this age of technology, we are losing the art of effective communication. We hide behind screens in order to discuss important topics and then when we are faced with in-person communication, we feel uncomfortable which then leads to defensiveness which then leads to fights. Or maybe you don't hide behind screens, but you've never really learned HOW to communicate effectively. Maybe you've always believed that having a conversation just means saying what you think and feel and then expecting it all to be ok. If this is you, you're only half right. Communication is a verbal dance between two people. You're not dancing all by yourself once you engage in a conversation and if you forget that the other person is dancing with you, you'll have effectively railroaded the person you're "communicating" with. Personally, I call that "talking AT" someone, not "talking TO".
So what are some tips to helping you communicate effectively? Lets dig into this a little deeper, my friends. Just prepare yourself for feeling uncomfortable, because everything I'm about to say requires some internal work on our parts.
1-Put Your Pride To The Side
We can be so very prideful. I'm not talking about the obvious arrogance that some people have. I'm talking about the secret pride we harbor. And truthfully, I believe this secret pride actually comes from a place of insecurity. We know we struggle with certain things in life, we're aware that some people are better than us at some things. However, knowing this and being aware of it doesn't keep us from attempting to hold on to our pride and put up walls so that other people won't see these things that we are insecure about. Oftentimes, when someone talks to us or tries to confront us about something, our walls go up instantaneously. This is the first of many problems we have with communication. No one likes to be called out on their behavior and it takes a lot of strength to swallow that pride and admit where you're wrong, where you're insecure, where you're struggling, etc. Humility is a difficult thing to learn and an even more difficult thing to maintain.
2-Be Aware of Your Defensiveness Level
I always say to my clients and even my friends, "defensiveness is the number one killer of communication." It is a hard thing to listen to someone tell you what you've done wrong or where you've hurt them. Our natural instinct is to get defensive and fight back. However, if you're actively attempting to put your pride to the side, you will be less likely to get defensive. I'm sure you've been in a situation where you're talking to someone, trying to work some things out and then they start getting defensive. Once that happens, you start feeling defensive too and it makes you angry that they're coming at you like they are. So what was supposed to be a simple conversation has now turned into a full blown fight. Not only are you upset at them for whatever they did to you, but now you're upset at them for how they're acting. Defensiveness will ruin communication, and ultimately, it can ruin a relationship. This is no small thing and I highly encourage being aware of your tendency to get defensive when someone is telling you something about yourself or your actions that you don't particularly like.
3-Watch Your Tone
We like to think that teenagers are the only ones who have an attitude when communicating, but I have some bad news guys. We ALL get a tone every once in a while, sometimes more than once in a while. It is critical to be aware of our tone when speaking to anyone, but especially when speaking to our children, our partners, and our friends. I would bet my next paycheck that if you get a tone while talking to your teenager, they will definitely give you one back. The only difference is that you have power to punish them for their tone and they don't. (This is a soapbox for another time, but be extra careful you aren't setting your kid up for failure by modeling bad behavior and then punishing them for that same behavior just because you can. Inappropriate use of power creates helplessness and frustration in our children.) We also catch an attitude with the other adults in our lives. This causes a chain reaction. Someone gets a tone with me and my initial reaction is to put up my defenses and cross my arms. At that point, I have no intention of listening to what you have to say to me because you came at me with a tone I don't appreciate. My recommendation for anyone wishing to be heard: make sure you leave your emotions at the door. Most of the time, our tone and attitude comes from an emotional place.
4-Did You Really Hear What They Said? Active Listening 101
I'm sure you've experienced this before. How frustrating is it when you're talking to someone and it becomes very clear that the other person is only concerned with responding and not concerned with what you have to say? In effective communication, the goal is for both parties to be heard, understood and then allowed the opportunity to speak as well. The best way to make sure you are understanding what someone is saying is to summarize back to them what they said to you and give them the opportunity to correct your understanding if it's wrong. Example: "What I hear you saying is that I hurt your feelings when I slammed the door in your face." This is called active listening. It feels completely awkward and strange to talk this way, but you won't regret it in the end. Ultimately, you have to ask yourself the hard question: is this person worth more to me than my pride? If the answer is yes, then I challenge you to put down your pride, leave your tone at the door, keep your defenses lowered, and REALLY listen to what is being said.
5-Learn to Take a Time-Out If Needed
Sometimes we just have to wave the white flag folks. There are times where we go into a conversation and we both do all the wrong things. When you see a conversation spiraling out of control, take a time-out. Don't keep beating the dead horse. Try using this phrase, "You know, I can see that we are both heated and defensive. Why don't we take a breather and come back to talk about this in 30 minutes." By doing this, you give both of you time to cool off and come back with a clear head. Now, a word of caution, when you take the breather, don't go into your room and stew on how awful the other person was. The goal of the time-out is to calm down, not continue simmering with anger. By giving a time limit on the time-out, it lets the other person know that you're not trying to get out of the conversation, and you will be back to finish it. If you're a parent, I highly suggest modeling this to your child. Teach them now what it means to gracefully step away from an argument and come back to a conversation once they are calm.
I hope some of these tips will be helpful to you and your family or your relationships. Please know that we all struggle with effective communication, but it doesn't have to be a lifetime struggle. Effective communication will deepen your relationships in ways you could never imagine, but it takes work and intentionality. I know you all can do this!
Until Next Time!
Be Happy! Be Healthy!
April this is so true. I fall short sometimes with communication. Thank you for writing this. It helps a lot. Sometimes I know I have the tone.