Shame is a pretty common thing. It's different from guilt. I tend to define guilt as feeling bad ABOUT something you've done. I define shame as feeling like you ARE bad. One is just an emotion, and one is an emotion that becomes an identity.
There are many reasons why people carry shame around with them. Abuse survivors tend to internalize the abuse they experienced or are experiencing, believing that it's something wrong with them that makes someone want to abuse them. Many suicide survivors carry shame around, feeling awful for not being "strong enough" to withstand life and the emotions that come with it. I've talked with many young girls and women who have spent the majority of their relationships using sex as a way to earn affection and love. And when those relationships fall apart, they are left feeling used and worthless. Shame has many faces.
Carl Jung puts it best, "Shame is a soul eating emotion." I have worked with a multitude of people who are beaten down and poisoned by the shame that is eating away at their soul.
I don't believe that we can go through life without feeling shame. I think it can be a motivating emotion at times. When we feel ashamed of our behavior, sometimes that is enough motivation to not do whatever that thing was ever again. But even as I write that, I still lean more towards labeling that as guilt instead of shame. I can't help but see shame as something deeper, something rooted in our identity.
Shame that sticks around is a one way street to Depression. How can you not be depressed when you feel like there's something wrong with you? How can you not be depressed when you internalize awful, inhuman behaviors as though you somehow deserve that kind of treatment? Shame is a liar! Shame wants to eat you up and spit you out and make sure that you never feel worthy enough for love and kindness. Is it truly any wonder that those who have deep-rooted shame are also depressed?
If you're reading this and these words ring true for you, I encourage you to seek counseling. When we stay stuck in our heads, never sharing our thoughts or emotions with other people, we begin to believe the lies that Shame tells us. Those negative thoughts that you have on a regular basis begin to feel like reality. They become such an integral part of you that you don't even recognize how often those thoughts are intruding on your everyday life.
There isn't a blog in the world that will be able to fully help you work through your shame. You need someone you trust, who has your best interest at heart, but also has training in being able to identify those deep-rooted, soul-eating emotions that are keeping you stuck in your depression, anxiety and overall fear.
I have felt shame. For five years it tried to control me and determine how my life was going to turn out. For five years I kept silent about my pain that no one knew nothing about. The best decision I ever made was bringing that shame and pain to the light, working on it, delving into the reasons it was there and finally relieving my soul of that shame. We are not meant to live in shame. We are worthy of love and kindness. WE. ARE. WORTHY. Step into the light, my friends. There is relief and love waiting for you.
Be well! Be healthy! Be happy!
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